Back at it....

Well, things have started to hit rock bottom again, so I figured it was time that I came back to start venting and clearing my mind. I would start writing in my journal, but I've been having major problems with my hand. 

It's been well over a year since I've tried to clear my mind and a lot has changed. I've had a different job for over a year, which I'm miserable at. I work and do a job that I can't stand, is no where in my job field, and is down right awful. 

I'm a little less than a year from graduating with my master's degree. I swear that with every class that I take, the more difficult it is becoming and the more frustrated I am.

We moved into a new house over a year ago, which is nice, but dealing with the same things is still just as bad. 

Two years ago, I lost my boyfriend. He broke things off because the fighting had gotten so bad that he couldn't handle it anymore. Yet he tells me that he never wanted to break up and that I made that decision, when I was the one that begged him to stay with me. Here we are, 2 years later, and I still have no clue where we stand. We see each other every weekend, some weekends I stay with him at his place. We literally do everything together, but he doesn't consider us back together. A lot of things have improved, and he is becoming more open and lovey to me. I stopped pushing the idea of what the label was, and I just learn to enjoy all of the time that we are still spending together. We just recently finished up our 4th concert season together and now the holidays are coming up. Thankfully, we have kept most of our traditions, even though things got pretty rocky for a while.

Overall, I'm over live. I feel like my depressions has come back 10 times harder, and I don't think I want to fix it. I stopped going to therapy, mainly because I don't really feel that it's doing anything for me. I honestly think that I need to make serious life changes in order to get better. I just don't now where to start without getting a job that I will like and help me advance my career.

I'm hoping (this time) to make this more regular in the hopes that it will help me start to feel better 

Life...

We'll, I've tried to hand write in a notebook to make it more convenient for myself to write down my thoughts, but my wrist can't handle it. The last few weeks have been crazy, and I'm not exactly sure why I haven't been keeping up with writing since I'm sure that it would have helped me from having so may panic attacks.

Long story short, I was fighting with Nathan a lot, and it was bad. I was afraid for about two weeks that we would be breaking up because it seemed like neither one of us could handle the fighting anymore. It was (and still kind of is) tearing us apart on the inside, but I told him a million times over that I'm not going to give up on our relationship until he looks me dead in the face and tells me he wants nothing to do with me anymore. Every little thing has been getting to the both of us and we're both taking it out on each other. I have enough to deal with at home with school and work and he has a lot of problems to deal with too. He got into a car accident about 3 weeks ago, which essentially totaled his car, and now he's stuck riding in his dad's POS until he can find another car. On top of the car issue, which is causing enough problems between us, he also has to deal with his house roof leaking and is now having to spend money on that.

The last couple of days have thankfully been really great. No fighting, we've been laughing and getting along like we used to in the beginning. I just want things to permanently stay this way, that way I can graduate from school, move in with him, get engaged and get married. I know that he's the love of my life and I don't want to spend it with anyone else but him. I've already told him if we, god forbid, break up, that I wouldn't date anyone else every again. I know that I'm young, but he's shown me what true love is and I know that I won't be able to find that in anyone else.

Besides my relationship issues, I've also been dealing with some issues with people at work. This one girl was supposed to quit, which I was happy about cause she's a BITCH and she thinks that she runs everything. Sadly, I got the news that she actually isn't leaving, which makes my life more miserable. On top of that, I screwed up at work the other night and ruined our black aprons when I washed them. Instead of treating this issue like adults, my boss decides to rip me a new one and tell me that I'll need a lesson on how to wash clothes so I don't ruin a customer's order. That pissed me off in and of itself because I've been doing laundry since I was 10, I think I know how to do it. I just don't get why I'm being treated like a child when this is a petty mistake and it's the only one I made since I've started. It'll be interesting going back into work and dealing with my boss. We'll see and I'll keep it updated....

Mother's Day....Bust

So it's Mother's Day, and things didn't go to bad until recently. Started the day off with my baby cause he spent the night after the Pirates game last night (Go Bucs!). Of course, I was sad to see him leave because I hate living so far away from him, but that isn't where things went bad. After crying once he left, I chilled, went to visit an old neighbor in the hospital and came back home. It's been a nice relaxing day for the most part.

About 10 minutes ago (hence why I'm writing so soon) my mother is freaking out on me, screaming at me for no reason and I'm about ready to snap. I'm trying to hard to get my life together, to not let things bother me and to handle it better. Once she starts screaming at me though, it's over. If I didn't do anything, don't scream at me. I don't get why I'm the one that gets the brunt end of EVERYTHING. I'm left to do everything around the house, and do school, and work, and everything that no one else wants to do. I just want to move out and not deal with my family anymore.

I just wish that things could be easier and that I wouldn't have to worry about everyone screaming at me for no reason.. I thought that it was supposed to be a good day, but of course that's damn near impossible when you step foot into my house...

Getting Caught in the Rain

Well I was hoping to make today a good day, especially with how perfect the weather was earlier. I went out, met my mom for lunch, and then it started raining. I've been trying to let the stress roll off my back because I'm starting to feel overwhelmed with trying to figure out my financial aid for school. So I figured getting out of the house would makes things a little better and allow me to relax. It was perfect, until it started to downpour and of course I didn't bring a jacket or an umbrella with me.

After I got home, I was very DISPLEASED to find that my sister didn't take care of the dogs and look after them like I had told her and asked her to do. I walked through the front door just to find out that I had to clean up after both of the little ones and then they were all driving me crazy. Once she came downstairs, I confronted her about it, and she started feeding me this bullshit excuse about how she only came home to build her new bed and nothing else, not even to look after the dogs. I just don't get how she thinks that she can get away with not doing anything but what she wants to do. This is something that greatly frustrates me, and I know I overreact sometimes. I just feel like my parents expect different things out of the two of us, which doesn't seem fair to be because most of the burden falls on me. I know that my parents always say that there isn't a difference in how they treat us, but I feel like there is. I feel like she can get away with everything, and when I go out to do something for myself and to get out of the house, I get blamed as to why I have to clean up after the dogs and everything else. Of course, I can't go and tell either one of my parents because they'll call me ridiculous and think I'm overreacting. I just wish that they could look at the situations through my eyes and truly understand how it makes me feel when they do that.

Like they went and bought her a $500 bed, and she had to contribute NOTHING to that purchase. The only thing she did buy was the paint, and I even think that it's crap that she was allowed to go ahead and do all of this because I've wanted to paint my room for YEARS and I was always told no and that it shouldn't matter what color my room was because I'd be moving out in a few years anyway. She can get away with everything, shut everything out, and not feel any of the consequences of what comes from it. She thinks just because she works and goes to school that she doesn't have to contribute to the house at all expect if it pertains to her. I just want everyone to understand where I'm coming from and to stop thinking that I'm just doing all of this for attention or think I'm crazy for feeling the way that I do.

Frustration Kicks In...

So yet again, there is so much tension and frustration that is kicking in and I'm about ready to go crazy. I'm so tired of dealing with school and trying to figure everything out and it seems like no matter how hard I try, there seems to be someone who comes and knocks me down. I've been dealing with so much school drama that I can't take it anymore. From dealing with my financial aid and being the person who is supposed to fix it, which I think is a load of crap. Now I'm dealing with the frustration with trying to figure out if I'm able to take 4 classes over the summer, which isn't looking likely. My mom keeps telling me that they'd do whatever they had to in order for me to take classes and graduate as soon as I can, yet she's acting like I can't because we won't have the money. Yet they can go off and do whatever they want to do as well as spend money on whatever they want. I wish I was more self-sufficient because that way I wouldn't have to depend on my parents so much. It gets crazy trying to run everything that I want to do by my parents to make sure that it's okay with them...

Ugh.

Back to Reality

So now I'm back home and I hate being away from my boyfriend...I know that we've been fighting a lot lately, but I'm trying so hard to make things better and I think it's slowly working. I just wish I knew when my attitude was starting to come out and get really bad. But anyways, I'm back home and now I'm trying to focus on school and everything. I have therapy in the morning and then RAMP training for the ballpark in the evening. RAMP is a state alcohol training session that I have to go through, even though now I'm not sure if I'll even be going back to the ballpark.

I also got into a fight with some crazy ass lady at Sheetz on my way home though, and she was CRAZY to say the least. While me and my boyfriend were trying to cross the parking lot, we almost got hit by a car because she was too busy talking, not looking, and starting to step on the gas. I gave her the nastiest look and just walked away. She walked into the store, found me and my boyfriend, and then began to lecture me on how we should have walked further in front of her car so she could've seen us. I WAS FURIOUS! Don't lecture me about the rules of the road when PEDESTRIANS have the right away and YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO WATCH OUT. I ranted about that all day yesterday and it still pisses me off.

Anyways....

I got some great news today while I was down at Rite Aid to pick up a few things for myself. There is a long history between me and applying for a cashier position down there. I literally live 2 minutes away from this place and I've been applying there since I was 16. Well after the 1st time I applied and couldn't be hired because I was just shy (like 1 week) from being 16, I never heard anything back from them. I've probably applied for that position down there about 8 times and not once heard anything back. However, that changed in December when I decided to apply again since I'm home all the time and need a year-round job to keep money coming in. Anyways back to the story, I went down there with my sister, and while turning into an aisle, I had one of the managers approach me, remembering me asking her the status of my application about 2 months ago. I was shocked, but it gave me a little bit of hope when she asked me my name and then quickly walked away. About 2 minutes later, I had the store manager approaching me and asking me if I was still interested in the job. Of course, I was happy because I would love to work somewhere that was so close to home and would be more willing to work with my schedule unlike my other jobs. So I went, for the 9th time, filled out an application, and ran back down there to turn it in again. Hopefully later this week I'll get that phone call to come down for an interview and get started ASAP. It would be amazing, and it's starting to give me hope that I can finally get my life together and not feel like I just sit around and do nothing with my life.

Hopefully this will all start to work out and I will finally get to a point where I'm content with my life. :)

Week of Fun..

Well for the most part. There were definitely days over this past week that were extremely rough but that's something that I live and learn and will grow from. I've spent this entire week with my loving boyfriend away at his house. I love being able to come over mainly because it allows me to feel like I can get away from everything else that is going on at my house. We did have a few days where we got into blown up fights but it's something that makes us stronger in the long run. I know that I have to work on my attitude, but sometimes it's hard understanding how bad it is. Writing on this blog has helped me express my emotions and take some of my frustration out even though I know that I still have a lot to work on. I'm hoping that between doing this (hopefully) daily and continuing on with my therapy appointments will help be get a better grip on my life and move forward with my relationship.

This is something that is all new to me, even though I've been in it for over 2 years now but I'm still trying to figure out how to co-habit with someone who is the love of my life. I come over and spend weeks with him so I can spend time with him, but more importantly so we can focus on our relationship and where we want to go in the future. We definitely have fights, but that's something I hope we both can work on in the near future together. I love him with everything I have, and we have some of the most amazing times together. I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world even though we drive each other crazy sometimes.

That's all for now, gotta get ready to go to the casino with him and my mom and her friend.